crudely drawn penis 8====D

Pranks on Shamu

2012-01-19T00:22:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel compelled to make farside-like one panel comics. Why? I may color this one in a bit just for the hell of it.

new product: shamu in a tube

2012-01-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

Today while participating in a focus group I became distracted by and fixated upon a large diamond ring worn by the moderator. I absent-mindedly made a more doodley version (without the operator lady) of the above drawing on the legal pad they provided for us. Afterward they collected everyone's notes. Think she'll be creeped out?

Sometimes life feels like this.

Wickee-Go

2011-09-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

Time in life for experiments. Nibs and watercolors. Working on it, trying to get better. Yesterday, I said brock what should I draw? He said, whatever you want. So then I asked again more forcefully and so he said birds attacking man. There's also a nice birthday postcard for one certain Kesley which was the first experiment really. I want also to show now some of the great accomplishments of a group draw that occurred while I was visiting in the Bay recently. Behold.

Very sophisticated.

diddles from the notebook

2011-07-28T16:25:00.001-07:00

It's necessary to draw sometimes when a scientist slowly shows you slides of poorly designed sidewalks and says obvious things aloud.

So what I lied so what

2011-07-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

John's 30th bday portrait:
Well-intended/poorly-attended Atlanta street fair:

Old man bores me at brown bag lunch- food march passes time as does russian handwriting practice and creative reinterpretation of boring talk as tattoo:

Atlanta reveals mystifying secrets to me. Real job, curvy roads, trees, MARTA, racism, deep fried food stuffs, visiting friends, kudzu, salt water pool, puli dogs, roseanne barr saves my soul, explosions, humidity, drivein movies, booze, weed, partying all night long, distance, heartache, Waffle House, Vietnamese sandwiches, Buford Highway, Chamblee, new kindsa punks, college kids, Virginia Highlands, environmental health, bbqs, palmetto bugs, cubicles, cut off shorts, 4 out of 5 personal appearance, picking a new line of work every week (social worker? environmental assessor? lead poisoned baby saver? map maker? lord help me), hot hot bike rides, mosquitoes be the devil, inconveniently timed plane rides, then some fresh new hell. It's been a hell ride. All emotions all the time. Can't wait for normal. Hope normal still exists. Somewhere. Sometime.

Having a couple months out of nightmare school chaos has allowed me to look at it and see-- that was OK and useful. I think I can do that again for another year. But, girl, that was shit was hard. And the other kids like to act like it's easy. Part of the game I suppose. Not my game! I think my victories in the working world this summer have made me more confident, so hopefully this year I'll be able to just come out and say it--This is too much damned work and stress! I hate you forever. Maybe that will make it more manageable. Less scrambling I think is possible.

I'm listening to Brock's latest album. It's powerful good. Unreleased as of yet. It's going to make all the babies cry, I suspect.

Stay tuned!

2011-06-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

Let this sidewalk dong serve as a warning to you all. I intend to be putting things here this summer while I'm in Atlanta interning at a government agency (it's one that does exciting things with industry and toxic sludge but somehow it doesn't seem clever to name it here). I'm very happy to not be in school for a few months and have some time to reflect on everything I've been through, learned about, etc. And also hopefully to scan some of the ridiculous doodles I've make, read books for pleasure, write/draw, you know, be a real person.

There's much to do here. There's been several acts of vandalism perpetrated upon famous works of art by lunatics since I've last been updating. Piss Christ was the last one! It was some badly behaved Christians. I'll get on that right away.

Sow of Violence: A Malibu Scene Report

2011-04-07T02:20:00.000-07:00

Misunderstanding Andy's Simple Instructions

2011-03-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

But it's cool. We got golden dongs across America out of it. And anonymous bathroom hijinks.

2011-03-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

censorship

The most dangerous beast ever

2011-03-27T19:08:00.000-07:00

If I was going to sleep at the park and I didn't want the security guard to kick me out, I would disguise myself as this animal. A snake with one giant arm that will punch you in the face forever till you're dead. So would Ariel and Paul.

Who you gonna call?

2011-02-27T22:47:00.000-08:00

Scare Him Erect

2011-02-14T22:09:00.000-08:00

If any of you have ever slept in a room with Mattt Monster you know about his terrible condition. It's like bunking with Linda Blair if ya know what I mean. He suffers from sleep insanity. Screaming, kicking, maniacal laughter--the works. It's really sad. Tina has to wrap him up real good so he doesn't hurt himself and others. The above is a medical illustration of him with his equipment: Head cone, straight jacket, and a ball gag.
These two buddies are the result of team work between Shayna, Alexis, and myself last week during our artist retreat in San Diego. While I was doing this I was NOT working devotedly and without interruption on my map-making midterm project for school and it subsequently sucked a fat one. We make sacrifices for art. Can you find the penid?

I'm soooo busy with school but I have many drawings to put here. It will be a project for spring break. After Cancun of course.

That reminds me of an oldie but a goodie. One from the vaults (psst it's true story about John S):

What do you want to do now that you've vanquished your enemies?

2011-01-24T22:24:00.001-08:00

As many of you may know, if you were born in America and your parents were born in another country, that makes you a first generation American. And that's almost a full citizen, but there are still a few basic qualifications that must be regularly maintained to retain your citizenship. One of those is that you have to watch certain films selected by the U.S. Senate's immigration naturalization committee or the constitution or whatever to fill you with a sense of national pride and belonging. You have to watch at least three of them every year or you get the boot. Movies like Sound of Music or anything with John Wayne or Arnold in it. This last weekend in an effort to fulfill my quota (cutting it close, schools been keeping me busy, eek!) I watched Die Hard. I liked it because at the end when Bruce Willis finally kills all the Germans and Swedes and is covered in soot and gore, he makes out with his estranged wife really hard. A good old fashioned American blood hump is called for. In Germany it's poo, but here it's blood and guts. I know that.

(Pubes or dick smoke? You be the judge.)

The Sound of Our Own Voices

2011-01-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

The Sound of Our Own Voices tape1 by cindileper

This is the first of four "best of" tapes from Helen and my's radio show on Berkeley Liberation Radio. Originally broadcast live in 2007 for a living room full of stoned oogles, but now available to YOU at your leisure with the power and convenience of technology. Sit back and enjoy being read aloud to from a wide variety of texts we considered worthwhile. This episode features inspired readings from the documentary film "Pumping Up", the novel "Et Tu Babe", an interview between pornographer Annie Sprinkle and anti-porn feminist Mae Tyme, select song lyrics from Limp Bizkit, skits meant for Girl Scouts "read by dickheads and morons" (us), transcripts from a rhino's cyber sex chats, and so much more.

Don't read too much into the robot voice. It's boring if there's no voices.

I shall put the other tapes up as I rip them. StAy TuNeD...

Historical Evidence

2010-12-30T01:50:00.000-08:00

I thought you all should know, apparently Longman has been pestering the ladies for quite some time as evidenced by this photograph Brock discovered in the archives. Even the fish are appalled. That ain't right.

Someone let us have a video camera

2010-12-20T01:36:00.001-08:00

For songs from the latest SMS album "I'll Never Give Up On You". We started making these videos in July with the intent to release our album this way. It has been a very fun and rewarding process especially cuz I got to hang out lots with all the people in them. Three more to go! Our next project is to get a book together as a sort of companion guide/album liner notes/wearable readable edible origami.

Communications From Gloria Steinem's Uterus from Strip Mall Seizures on Vimeo.

So Beautiful All Dead from Strip Mall Seizures on Vimeo.

Ungracious Host from Strip Mall Seizures on Vimeo.

Mahogany Podium from Strip Mall Seizures on Vimeo.

Human Moment from Strip Mall Seizures on Vimeo.

Econanananama Principles

2010-12-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

This is the result of using a relaxing herbal blend to go to sleep the night before my microeconomics final. Brock pointed out some key subject nouns that I had omitted and other clarifying punctuation. I stuck em in there, no sweat. Everyone needs an editor.

Longman lives in nightmare shadows

2010-11-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

Always right about to sup you from behind something when you least expect it.

Open publication - Free publishing - More longman

"I'm for, how do they say, soft misanthropy" - zizek

2010-11-27T01:18:00.000-08:00

Doorbuster: Come on, you apes. Bust the door. You know you want to.

We find ourselves again here, at this ruthless time of year, when we like to throw a temp worker or two under the ceremonial killing blade to make sure the holiday shopping season gets kicked off with frothing, pumping blood lust throbbing in our veins.

New York Target Black Friday 2010:

Walmart Sacramento Black Friday 2010 - unruly crowd evacuated.

Madison Toys R Us Black Friday 2010 - Cutting, gun threat, arrest, no Christmas toy

Los Cerritos Mall Black Friday 2010 - Fight/gunshots/chair throwing in food court during "Midnight Madness"

And Long Island Walmart Black Friday 2008 - stampede, 1 employee dead. But why change a policy that works?

The only lesson the news media manages to extract from these stories that reliably come one after another every holiday season is that human nature is repulsive and we should tut-tut at those trashy people who behave like savages to save a few dollars. No tut-tuts for CEO's and marketing execs who design these inane events at 3am with their stupid bracelets that make the christmas-present-buying-hoards feel like they're in a circle pit at Warped Tour. If us simple monkeys are so predictable with our human nature, why engineer the same riot for us every single year? I think it's very clear. To get them pig faces at the expense of our dignity and well being.

Self-Retrospective: It's been long enough that I am also bewildered and amused

2010-11-12T01:02:00.000-08:00

This old thing cracked me up, so I'll share with you. The last page reads: raison d'twat. It took me a couple minutes to figure that out. Do you know who these people are?

I think this is the second foldy book comic I made. It's to help the scientists in the future figure out why we walk that way. The lady says "Were you, like, injured in the war or something?"

This is terrifying because it is a true reoccurring nightmare that I really truly have every few years and it's bone chilling every time. I made this book for Matt for his bday a while back. This dream always involves the same plot twist -- whatever house I am living in has an extensive ancient labrynthian endless catacombs of rooms and my housemates and I have never explored beyond the portion that we rent and then we decide to just go for it because it's interesting and of course HP Lovecraft has been up to something in there. In this particular episode of this real true dream I had, there was a horrifying ghastly figure at the bottom of the staircase, but it was just Dain for some reason being extra creepy, so it had a happy ending for once. Two thumbs up, nightmare dream world.

I will be putting up more oldy-foldies as time permits. Stay tewned.

Stay focused

2010-11-02T00:50:00.001-07:00

I've always been inspired by the notion of incremental change as a way that earth reality may become less terrifying in the future. I think Prof. Laura Nader presented that idea as a kind of cold comfort after spending the semester destroying everyone's dreams in her famous Controlling Processes course. There is a history of people plugging away at correcting great injustices through small strategic efforts, like maybe in a tiny way voting for the crappy marijuana prop. tomorrow that is expected to fail, just so California and America will understand that there is support for legalizing marijuana and maybe next time it will have a chance. But I'm concerned sometimes that if Team Destroy Injustices is organizing to win skirmishes in the struggle for incremental change, isn't there Team Hateful Right Wing A-Holes who struggles just as vigilantly and passionately, possibly exactly cancelling out our every victory? There's a hateful evil Christian right wing majority Judy rubbing her palms together evily in Utah. She's working so hard to keep the bus line out of her neighborhood and make sure that the war goes on forever, and communists don't get grants and to make sure no spliffs are ever spluffed by Good Judy. Such a hater.

More words about Prop 19: In the end, the courts will interpret the law, big business will find loopholes and other ways to exploit and shit on consumers, and there will be endless other externalities that few of us are clever enough to foresee. When it comes to big idea issues that we really want to move forward like gay rights and sticking a fork in the swollen prison industrial complex full of people who don't need to be there, we need to ignore the nitty gritty details in the wording and send a big clear message that will hopefully get us where we want to be someday: POT -- YES, GAY -- YES, etc. We'll probably end up with some shiny new bullshit, but the world will know we're ready for the big gay yes.

UPDATE: Here's someone else who is also concerned about troublemaker evil Judy:

I think Nader actually said that incremental change is more like when you're an accountant somewhere and you notice something unfair and you blow the whistle. Anyways... I got more things to say about pot laws and their fallout, but my neighbor is screaming in Portuguese and and the ice cream cart guy is dinging his bell and it's most likely too many convoluted words to put here. Should probably go read about government regulatory institutions or whatever.

Equity isn't fair--vote republican

2010-10-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

You can get so far in the university and still ask questions like: "Capitalism makes technological innovation happen. Is that super duper great or just super great? Discuss." Not is it true? or can this statement be complicated? but a only the marginal issue of how much?

I often find that my mouth is open but I cannot speak because I'm too confused. I can't comprehend that even in the hallowed institution of higher learning, the premise is so richly debatable. Did you know capitalism saved the miners? It's so like capitalism to build a crappy mine and ignore safety regulations just so it can save some trapped miners later and look like the big hero. What a bitch. But that seems irrelevant to the conversation when they put the question like that.

And then (in a different class) when we're pondering the undisputed side effect if globalization that it leads to monoculture the prof asks: "Should we rather decide not to trade and keep people in other countries poor because we want to be able to visit a place without a Gap?" So many assumptions there. It assumes people people in poor countries's lives will improve if we trade with them and we assume our desire to visit a place without Gap is a valid argument and the only argument against the free market.

And did you know that 95% of economists believe that free market is best for the economy? Every section of that statement is a segment of a centipede gently inching into your ear where it will burrow into your brain and teach you to equate "healthy economy" with "good for people" because, well, it's in the book and you want to get an A and a recommendation letter.

The future is a lot the same as the present

2010-10-21T23:53:00.001-07:00

I have revelations sometimes in my statistics class. But not too often, because I'm usually concentrating really super hard. And still not understanding.

Trage-Badge

2010-10-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

There are so many distractions at school. You think that when you sit down in a computer lab reserved only for graduate students in your department, you'll experience only focused, blazing, hemorrhoidal silence, but then the kids from urban planning start discussing their mapping project that uses BART as its subject and they're talking about how some people can't afford to use BART because they charge a progressive fee based on starting point and destination and they wonder why is the West Oakland station is all red on the data map. I know why, it's because of the bloody blood blood blood that's everywhere, that's why. Blood from a ruined community that was thriving before planning type official aliens tore it down to make way for BART, you know that already. How can I concentrate at a time like this? Talking about my town in such a clinical, dispassionate tone is just fucking with me really. It's a double tragedy—cry now and now later too. And throw a few more in more in there just for the hell of it. Cry way back when too and some in between cries if you have a chance. I was cracking up at Disneyland on the way out of the Indiana Jones ride when I thought about this adjusted drama masks symbol. What a fine tattoo! Tragedy all over the place just like real life. Helen says to proceed with caution because it's too funny and that's bad sometimes. But she's one to talk with "you break it, you buy it" on her ass. HELEN. You've got a lot of nerve.

I was trying to draw some pooh characters from my mind during my economics class. The above is the result. It's kinda scary or whatever. The pooh with the hunny pot ain't bad if I don't mind saying so myself.

P.S. Megan says our transit is racist because the richest people ride Caltrain and get a $12 subsidy per ride and the poorest people ride and the poorest people ride the bus and get a .25 subsidy per ride and the justification is that if the rich, white people on Caltrain start feeling good about how nice transportation is, they'll spend more of their own money of the other kinds too. Racisttttttttsssssssssss. Just make the bus free instead, duh. Like a civilized place.

What's under Shamu?

2010-10-10T22:41:00.001-07:00

A. More Shamus

B. Villain's secret lair

C. Nothing but net

D. God is under my beard

E. Empty, silent, perfectly black space

F. All of the above

Fun with tracing AKA your new chest piece

2010-10-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

The Man, Myth and Magic encyclopedia and the Sexual Symbolism: A History of Phallic Worship (written in 1776, with original plates) book are providing me with excellent fodder for tracing and designing your new tattoo. I'm warming up the gun right now. I call this one "Mind Lost in Spiritual Battle with Mystical Dickasus Army". Word. If you care to hear the new SMS album it is available for you to download here. Merry Xmas. Associated art and a physical package with a cassette tape will soon be available on our bandcamp page. The lyrics are already there, as well as stills from the 6 new music videos that we made over the summer for this album. Soon they'll start popping up on youtube/vimeo/etc. I'll be sure to let you know.

Dizney Cube TM

2010-09-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

I've been having some pretty marketable ideas that I think I'm gonna try to pitch around while I'm down here, you know. Check it out and let me know what you think. (Concept is of course based on the sci-fi classic film The Cube if you didn't already know. It's a mind fuggler. It'll fuggle your mind. And it's kind of like real life too.)

Been had colored pencils

2010-09-12T16:16:00.001-07:00

Here I was brain storming a little bit for the levels for the video game "Mario 27: You don't belong in this world" but I like it already so I'm sharing my sketchbook mock up. The notion for this game was conceived while lounging with all the hommies at Bakers Beach in SF a few months ago. It was like this:

Mario 27. You know what it's about. It knows what you're about. Click on drawing for big big.

Figurines silhouetted in waning rainbow light

2010-09-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have so much time right now for the next couple weeks that I can do shit like wait for the precise 10 minute period in the evening when the rainbow comes in my window to take psychedelic photos of members of my desk army. It's so brief and fleeting. I like it. I should dig up my real camera and truly capture those vibrant colors. Word to your momma.

LA LA Land

2010-09-01T02:54:00.000-07:00

I think the Whole Foods on Fairfax hired a Fabio-look-alike to float gracefully through the store while shoppers bustle around noramlly. Was he real?

The above image is animated. If you can't see that... something wrong wit you.

(Don't get me wrong -- I think I like it here)

Business hands//Reaching out your hand

2010-08-31T01:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently, according to some, dreaming about hairy hands signifies money/business success. It's a chauvinist point of view, of course. My association with hairy hands is different however. It means other people's dads or wizardry or henchmen or lumberjack or an encroaching unexpected journey on the horizon.

I drew this tattoo for you

2010-08-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

Man, I wish I could remember the anecdote that accompanied this drawing. I feel like I was travelling at the time... Anyone remember? I think it was funnnnnyyyy.

Packing and finding things

2010-08-19T15:36:00.000-07:00

This show was so fun and this flyer exceeds typical standards for excellence in my opinion. We did it with loads of grandiosity back then. Angela Roberts, you played this show. What year was it? I think it was Katrina year because I remember you New Orleans bands went on tour before it happened and you made that crazy tour poster that I think said "lost at sea" and showed some kids floating on raft. Am I right? Evil dark prophecy!

San Diego is a weird town

2010-08-01T18:24:00.001-07:00

This would be sad and awful without the penis drawing. And that it looks like the author was about to mistakenly write "fear of small penises". In the ladies' bathroom at Lestat's.

Leaked internal memos from office meeting

2010-07-28T14:47:00.000-07:00

I discovered these alleged documents when clearing out my desk earlier today at the job from which I can no longer be fired. I fuzzed out the most sensitive information, but some critical data can still be identified such as:

1. Wolf man with rose for a mustache
2.Waterbaby waterbaby waterbaby water baby - water baby with stache
3. Surreptitiously animated hamburger
4. Brain storm: baby cage, baby trap, baby zoo
5. Einstein chaos crab
6. Lightbulb squid under pursuit by mocking triangle predator and her brood
7. Liberal fun with Mario world

Look at the carnage

2010-07-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

The top image is made by Wyatt obviously. I will turn it into a large impressive poster. I like how the trepidated beast is kind of smiling while its leaking sewage out of its brain. I think it would be a dirty shame to shrink his very detailed pen work down to handbill size, so I made the bottom two at werk yesterday for that purpose. I'm drawing basketball man lately because I'm thinking about the life and times of the great giant man Manute Bol. He was a saint amongst men and he died a few weeks ago. What a cruel injustice. He's the one with legs like stilts. He is thought to have popularized the phrase "my bad" and he donated all six million dollars he earned in the NBA to his people in southern Sudan.

More pizza surfing

2010-07-21T14:52:00.001-07:00

I found these buddies on my desk at work as I'm preparing for my departure. I think I never scanned them because I thought they didn't make any sense, however, upon further review, I think they make perfect sense. Windsurfing on an ice cream cone. Surfing on pizza. It's what dreams are made of.

The text on the first three panels of the lower comic are quotes from NPR and they read: "White culture may be changed forever..." and "...and Vietnam. Congress shouldn't authorize funds for a war they can't pay for" and "grads gets marked as low potential."

Woe is me/Pray for snakes

2010-07-19T14:31:00.001-07:00

I'm looking at Understanding Comics and this above is my first result. Maybe the next chapter will cover the proper number of elbows per arm.
Dear Jesus, please bring snakes to this place.

Digi-Anxiety/Night screaming

2010-07-16T16:02:00.001-07:00

REAL TRUTH:
1. Apparently I'm a lunatic that screams and slaps myself in my sleep.
2. Sometimes my favorite comics I make are the ones that involve me snickering and giggling the whole time when I'm making them, because it tends to be some kind of personal story, and who cares about that besides the people involved? Probably no one, but that's fine, because those are the people looking here I realize (and also international perverts).
3. I've made lots of drawings of myself and other people standing on desk chairs yelling in front of computers.
4. I suspect comics are less automatically hilarious if they're not absurdly badly drawn. Maybe I should have quit when I was further behind.
5. It's funny when people have cartoonish perceptions about their friends' sexual proclivities and I'm pretty sure it's true that Keith still likes to slam his penis in the windowsill over and over.

A Big Butt and a Smile

2010-07-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

Trust me.

2010-07-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

Animals in zoos are on a mission to disgust and horrify humans. So many examples (ie monkey fills own mouth with piss). Panda rejects twin and then crushes accepted cub is only one.

100 posts: every one a gem

2010-07-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

No wasted kb and mbs here. No, sir. When I'm sitting in my windowless cube, I look at this drawing taped up on my wall for inspiration to keep going and sometimes it's almost too much to bear. Only a few weeks left for me here though. Then I will consume this piece of paper entirely.

Matt Monster left his j-o-b that he's been doing for a couple years at Trader Joe's yesterday, so I drew this mindless insane TJ horse for him to commemorate. You can tell which one is the manager by the shirt that they're wearing. RIP.
Til next time traitor ho. I love you.

2010-07-01T13:54:00.001-07:00

Smokin Judy/Justin collab poster for last Strip Mall show EVER. Also last NTP show ever. Everything slips away. Don't try to hold on to anything, because it's probably actually a giant evil ancient monster that will eat you. This artwork is inspired by the UC Berkeley women's gymnastics team. I will never forget you.

Raype Revenge and Pretene Mania Ritual

2010-06-30T02:22:00.000-07:00

This is the audience of tenes/pretenes/adults chanting the name of a character in a certain fantasy movie that opened last night before the movie even started. Because they're demented and awesome. And they just want to puffy paint their own custom t-shirts with depraved images and scream bloody murder for no reason. This is obviously not merely about the movie.

Although, it does have an extremely cool raYpe revenge scene in it. One of the characters was made vampire because her maker found her dying in the street after her fiance and his drunk friends had gang raYped her and left her for dead. When she became a vampire she systematically hunted them down and killed them, saving her fiance for last. He had a team of police protecting his door because he knew she was coming and he was terrified. She effortlessly ripped them all to shreds and burst into his room in a wedding dress and killed his ass. Pretty cool for a teeny bopper movie.

P.S. Had to alter title and certain words to keep the pedos from stopping by

I believe in sharkigarchy and unusual weaponry

2010-06-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

I looked at every single panel comic that Brad Neely has posted on his website and then I did automatic drawing and the above happened. I don't remember doing it. WTF? He so funny. He really got into my mind with the zebra one. Malia is planning to tattoo the "nun with whore-puppet" one soon. I hope so.

When the world is your snot rag

2010-06-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

In this video George Bush wipes his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after shaking hands with a Haitian person: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4kIJ3Cu-aQ
In this video George Bush wipes his glasses on some lady's sweater during a talk show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUVYcWxvqaM

I suspect the world may look like this to him.

Suspiria: An Alternative Ending

2010-06-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

This is how I would have handled the situation.

(I don't get paid to not misspell "existence")

vacay dudelz

2010-06-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Here are a few selections from my vacation road trip sketchbook. Lots of truck stops, weird pale lumpy fashion-deprived people, and then some shows with Nero and Mincemeat in cool places like Ohio and Tennessee. Most of these drawings have a remarkable story affiliated with them, but not all. Like bird/bear/snake towards the end, that's nothing, however, anything with dicks all over it, that's cuz we stayed at Ruth's house, which is a penis museum and when I closed my eyes at night all I could see was neon rainbow dongs doing synchronized dances on my brain. Sorry I wrote "jizz bib" in there somewhere.

I also made some funny petite comic profiles of a few people I met. I may remix them a bit to make them more coherent for other people. They look kinda mean right now and that's not my intention. We'll see. I did include one profile of a guy, Hans, cuz well, I'm not too concerned about accidentally degrading his character... He's already a real piece of work on his own.

Good things come to those who wait for two weeks

2010-06-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

I'm referring to this jiva portrait I just got in the mail. Marvelous!

Behold: my immortal essence as imagined by Jim Woodring. So cool.

When I found this letter, I felt almost exactly like this for so many reasons:

More nebraska

2010-06-02T13:07:00.001-07:00

Scary ass mc d-bag is riddled with holes, faded, jaded and missing a hand. Terrifying.

Ethnic like me

2010-06-01T23:33:00.001-07:00

Getting ethnic somewhere in nebraska

observed in Salt Lake City

2010-06-01T11:52:00.001-07:00

Univeral ominsex genitals cavepainting

BRB

2010-05-31T00:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be away from my desk for about two weeks. I'll go drive straight across the country with Brock's band to see them kill it in Ohio, Indiana, and Tennessee. I'll then leave them, after experiencing the best parts of the country, and go watch my dad turn 65. I made a couple merch signs for them. Here they are:

Also, when I was leafing through my records earlier today, I stumbled upon this "grow a bear" document. I thought I would give it to the internet here in this way. Done.

Don't buy my competitor's swords

2010-05-28T02:48:00.001-07:00

We're all in trouble now. Look what I can do. Straight from phone to blog. This is my real life in the flesh authoritative one moment finger. Look at it, damn you. Don't you dare speak to me until I'm good and ready, filthy scumbag waiting room urchin. If you try to open the window yourself--flick flick flick--I cut off your head and all your fingers with my two handed great sword.

Crazy Hair

2010-05-27T02:31:00.000-07:00

This is a excerpt of a comic made by a person who is not me that I have scanned for you to look at:

The text was already a bit pale before the scan, so it's hard to read, but you can make out the important bits. I thought it was super hilarious and I was trying to draw some "crazy hair" earlier today and this was the result:

The artist's name is Olivier Schrauwen. I know I'm down with this person cuz I go look at the website and I see the terrible men in the blue suits and one of them is leaking something from his penis (possibly jizzing or pissing) onto a pen and then gives that pen to the other man in a gesture that could be interpreted in a 100 different ways. It just looks great. The bearded man is prototype nightmare man. He and longman should get together some time. Olivier is informing us about what the real business world is like and I appreciate his honesty. zzz

My authoritative "one moment" finger

2010-05-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

This is what I show disobedient patients when they try to climb through my window while I'm on the phone (or at a pivotal nail-filing moment). Not the drawing. Just the real erect index finger. Lasers and swords and sharks shoot out of it if they don't cease and desist.

(Sometimes the invading hoards are wearing chain mail, like this guy.)

A long overdue letter to a strange man

2010-05-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

I'm still looking for a mailing address. Internets not giving to me. It's in one of my notebooks somewhere. I'll bet it's in his books. Yet another reason to go to a comic book store immediately. It's possible that some claims in this letter have been exaggerated or borrowed from the wonderful, never boring Black Cat White Cat movie. Also, apparently the scanning software I'm using translated my handwriting into type. Weird. I wrote "I hope" at the end of the letter in my own hand on the real letter. Not this creepy typed bit shown in the image above. I'm not creepy.

For Assholes! (TM)

2010-05-24T01:50:00.000-07:00

This could go on and on. It started at the coffee shop with Kevin and Andy because Kevin was excited to have gotten Heidegger for Dummies or something at the library and it became "you mean for assholes." The we went down the line of all big thinkers for assholes. Bolano is wild card, but it's appropriate because he said awful things about Isabel Allende. I'm going to read his book soon. He's moody genius badass type. I won't dismiss him for being saucy. I think each one of these For Assholes books would start with the words, "On the contrary..." or maybe "There are other ways of doing this if you're not actually interested in this topic."

There's no reason to eat the heat-lamp burrito

2010-05-18T16:25:00.001-07:00

I'll be honest. I'm a hot mess right now.The top drawing is an accurate expression of my inner thought life and the bottom one is an accurate narrative of some of the events that transpired in my last weekend. Including incomplete representations of the sports games we invented at tina's goodbye party called shirtball and badmintegories. The lugers are symbolic of the future. Hamburgers are symbolic of lunch. Tiny squares are symbolic of censorship. Tiny humans are symbolic of children ethan and kaleb. Cactus is symbolic of my newly ripped asshole. Ketchup is symbolic of staying up all night. Hairstyles are symbolic of I haven't decided yet.Then I was drawing this picture of Fabio going on a date with the famous celebrity singer Nicki Minaj and my coworker told me that she "likes girls" so I had to change it up real quick. She's in that song with the lyrics: "My chick bad/my chick hood/my chick does things your chick wish she could/my chick speaks Sanskrit/My chick eats a giant bucket of baleen everyday/My chick knows pi to a thousand decimals/my chick does no-hands push ups to train for seal olympics" I love that song. (Shitty Mickey seems to have put on a few pounds, don't you think? Eek!)

Heard Brock's new havoc wreaking jammyjam?

2010-05-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Well, you should. It's his latest recorded song. It's called "Mascara Running Everywhere". It's amazing. To be heard at this location by clicking on the gray rectangle at the top of the page. Blowing your brains out.

http://nerosdayatdisneyland.tumblr.com/post/602546460/neros-day-at-disneyland-mascara-running

Take this opportunity to familiarize yourself with his new website. Why not.

Tina goes to smart-town

2010-05-17T02:02:00.000-07:00

Tina is moving to Pittsburgh for pharmacy school as you may know. She demanded that I make Michael Jackson themed buttons for her and I obliged because she is so powerful and so totally not weak in anyway that I had no choice but to relent and do her bidding. You think you know how to spell Pittsburgh but you don't. The top left button is celebrating the time in Michael Jackson's life when he made a PSA video about the "alleged" crimes he committed. He made potent bunny ears in that video. The bottom right one is reminiscing about the famous moment when he dangled baby Blanket from the hotel balcony in Berlin. It was a great moment that we all love and inspires us to dangle our babies. RIP MJ and good luck and best wishes for Tina in her trek across the country to the new place. Amen.

"Grainy videos of crotch rubbing twinks"

2010-05-13T01:22:00.000-07:00

This isn't the most inspired foldy book I've ever made. It's like a C+. But it's on the favorite topic and it has some cute parts so I thought I'd share. The favorite topic is when homophobic public figures are exposed as pathetic, hateful secret gays. This new dooshy guy is a baptist minister and runs some fake bullshit org where they say they can cure gays. He's a ridiculous farce and now the jig is up. He did a Larry Craig and made an unacceptable excuse for why he was with the young man, whom he admitted to having found on rentboy.com (I love how much traffic they must be getting because of this big story), saying that he recently had surgery and needed someone to help him "lift his luggage." It's true. Larry Craig had a "wide stance" and George Rekers can't lift his own luggage. Check out this wonderful photo captured by the Miami newspaper at the airport when they got back from his slutty gay ten-day European vacay. This photo is the reason the second page of my lil comic has pixel face. Dan Savage did a great rant about this story on his podcast this week. He also is a big fan of how reliably this type of man is hardly secretly his own worst enemy.

Tiresome vapid prattle that I will soon be rid of

2010-05-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

It's exhausting to hear women talking about how other women look all the time. Most people pretty much look like hideous deformed drooling beasts most of the time anyway. It's basically a ridiculous unrelenting irony to stare at the magazine and deliver mean, objectifying commentary about the physical appearance of strangers (who all make more money than we can comprehend mostly because they're so good at being perceived as beautiful). And it makes my brain leak out in a sizzling puddle. And it makes every reflective surface (including the dull penetrating empties nestled in their hardly-graduated-from-mongoloid skulls) become a fluorescent magnified mirror that exposes and trumpets every errant hair, revolting pore, and darkened sack of haggardness. I just want to lay face down on the carpet and moan like the slimy, writhing, temporary masses we all are. Good day.

AND THEN WHEN I GET HOME I REMEMBER: The point is, as partially expressed pictorially above, you too are a hag. These are your hag things. Embrace and rejoice.

Rollzig. HenGlen. Glenry. Rock the vote please.

2010-05-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

I must acquire this new comic Tom Neely made called "Henry & Glenn Forever". It makes so much sense. Finally someone has tackled this essential fantasy pairing between two men who were clearly meant for each other. It looks from the cover like it's not merely lurid smut. Maybe there's male pregnancy! Cross your fingers.

Sweet lady

2010-05-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

I hope my mom likes this card I made her for momo day. After all, she's always been such a dedicated 'pac fan. Words are adjusted lyrics from "Dear Momma" by Tupac of course. RIP. I may have done something similar last year... I can't remember. Damned brain parasites.

Massive oil spill makes important hippie reveal his ignorance and speak ridiculous nonsense

2010-05-03T20:29:00.001-07:00

Today there was a bold headline in the papers and it spread quickly to all the subsequent commentary orifices. It's a quote from Louie Miller from the Sierra Club. He says that this oil spill is America's Chernobyl. For anyone familiar with the history of Chernobyl, the worst nuclear accident in all time, it's clear that this is not an apt analogy. I think it's more detrimental to Miller's case to compare the oil spill to a disaster with an unknown huge number of human casualties and then go on to merely talk about the economic and environmental damage that the Gulf area now faces.

The real severity of this oil spill is trivialized by this unnecessary hyperbole as well as the Chernobyl disaster. Are people in Mississippi having problems with their flesh dripping off? Are their eyes boiling? Will their children have hideous deformities? Not even a little bit. However, it's still pretty bad. The fishing and tourist industries are on hold for the next several years. That goes for the industries that relied upon those industries too. The are also substantial health risks for clean up crews and people nearby may be susceptible to chemical-induced illnesses. There won't be shrimp in the Gulf of Mexico for a while. Parts of the coast smell like a gas station but worse (all according to Riki Ott, a marine toxicologist that spoke on Democracy Now today.)

I say Sierra Club guy should skip the part that gives skeptics/haters/palin something to pick apart and just focus on the most incredible part, which is reality of the situation. The financial and environmental consequences will be severe and offshore oil drilling, BP (who operated it), and Halliburton (who built it) are to blame. BP's executive's heads should be on spikes if there is any justice in the world. It's truly a disaster.

But, again, definitely not the wailing with your dead loved one in your arms kind of disaster.

I made this sloppy scan of an excerpt from the book Voices From Chernobyl: The Oral History of a Nuclear Disaster. I feel like after a few pages of this text no one would bandy about such ignorant comparisons. This seems like a special book. It's from the Dalkey Archive Press and it has an email address printed prominently on the cover, which makes it seems very academic somehow. I fished it out of Jail's pile of discards last-last time she left town.

It seems so American to think our disaster must be the worst thing that has ever happened. Never mind Bhopal, Chernobyl, Nagasaki—eleven people died—stock your bunker. The lack of perspective is annoying.

This is art made by my close and personal friends

2010-05-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

This drawing is made by Jail who is very talented and let me have this in a very generous gesture of friendship. That's how I interpreted it. She may have actually been giving drawings away willynilly without abandon. Regardless, I like it a lot. I call it: Prepared to Meet Wolf, Unblinking Russian Man Tromps Through Woods With Chicken. I was not given permission to put this drawing here or name it.

This is a hilarious comic that Shayna made about our friend Jason (aka neutral aka ectropic aka baldinglocks aka robotman (he doesn't like that one) aka BUG aka spaceman etc.) She is very talented and moving to Oakland as soon as she sells her house (pray to real estate lords). She said I could put this comic here, because if you're reading this you probably know Jason. Jason did not give me permission to put this here.

Ostrich Attacks Kid!

2010-05-02T02:33:00.001-07:00

Here is a photo the painting I made today of the currently famous youtube video "Ostrich Attacks Kid" uploaded by one VRSick714. A few liberties were taken.
Observe real life cinematic arrangements:

New batch of library haul videos

2010-05-01T18:13:00.000-07:00

Vanessa's second video:

Helen's first one!:

Angela's second video!:

This is a veritable babe convention.
I heard a rumor Smasher, Alexis, and Kevin might be making videos soon. I hope so! Anyone else?

Once yer used up you'll be: Sealed and abandoned

2010-04-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

The US Energy Administration just wants you to know offshore drilling is easy to explain, all the big equipment is cool, and, don't worry, the industry is taking every precaution to make sure nothing could possibly ever go wrong.
"Offshore oil producers are always taking precautions to prevent pollution, spills and significant changes to the ocean environment. Since 1975, drilling in the EEZ has had a safety record of 99.999% meaning that only .001% of the oil produced has been spilled. Offshore rigs are even designed to withstand hurricanes"
http://tonto.eia.doe.gov/energyexplained/index.cfm?page=oil_offshore#tab2

I'm so convinced.

Is .001% of 600 million barrels p/y (the total U.S. figure) an acceptable amount of crude to pour into the ocean? This week's offshore fire/explosion/sinking is spilling 5000 barrels per day (21,000 gallons) right now. 11 crew workers are dead and the oil slick can be seen from space. Disaster crews did a controlled burn yesterday to try to prevent the oil from getting to the coast.

How bizarre is all this considering that the U.S. exports 1.6 million barrels per day (that's a 2008 number and it's A LOT. And it was up about 30% from the previous year)? So many desperate appeals for our need to relieve ourselves from the need for foreign oil. So great, supposedly, that we should violate nature reserves to get at oil so inaccessible that it takes 5-7 or more years to extract it once its location has been discovered. It seems like a farce. I wonder what the official explanation is. I'm trying to find it. I suspect that it's disgusting vulgar greed.

The Obama administration is supposedly now reconsidering the expansion of offshore drilling that they authorized a couple weeks ago.

I've been doing much research about oil lately for my free-job and it's swimming in my mind, so I thought I'd share a little bit here. Anyways, check out this ostrich trying to eat a baby: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMO40vic-c0. I'm gonna paint it this weekend, you bet your bottom dollar.

Fraud Signals

2010-04-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

if your bullshit detector is broken, you can follow this simple guide to tell see that someone is a fraud. I don't really feel that way about Nikes, but I feel like some people must.

Starter Culture: Library Haul Videos

2010-04-24T03:11:00.000-07:00

So here's the business. As you probably know by know, the most serious internet phenomenon for anyone who is anyone is to make haul videos and put them up on youtube so that mindless drones can worship you. Just kidding. But really, these videos, that mostly young women are making, have thousands of viewers and they sometimes get paid to do it by youtube and lord knows who else if they are adored severely enough. What are they? Usually they feature a young women who has visited the mall and returned with arm loads of clothes and cosmetics and makes a video presenting their purchases and talking about why they got it and what they like about it, etc. Some people, who are jealous, accuse them of being spoiled, shallow, vein, and of showing off. But that's just not true, OK? I appreciate everything my mom does for me.

Eventually a rusty light bulb sputtered awake in the collective minds of me and some of my buddies and Vanessa and I decided to take action and make a haul video based on our findings at the local library. Vanessa is the psychedelic video artist. (Here's a link to a great radio interview Isabel Allende, the lady whose book I talk about, did with Michael Krasny yesterday 4/27/10: http://www.kqed.org/epArchive/R201004271000)

Here's some links for background education on haul videos. The excellent blog Threadbared made an ideal post about haul videos that encompasses every aspect of what I want to share with everyone I care about. It's discussing both the thing itself and how mainstream media gives it a typical bullshit treatment. It's here:

http://threadbared.blogspot.com/2010/03/incensed-beauty-guru-and-pop-feminism.html

All the other people who also had the same rusty light bulb are exclusively under the age of eighteen. What does that say about us? Here are a few:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2yvlzvasyk (She is doing it right)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEf8gy7Br4w&feature=related (He is going places)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjB8YpBirxU&feature=related (Her mom sounds like a B)

It's basically all vampire books. So what. Cute as hell.

Make yer library haul videos and send em to me or Vanessa. It's fun.

UPDATE: Presenting Angela Robert's library/Chinatown groceries haul

Like they say at the game store

2010-04-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

This is the beginning of the end of the middle of my conquering of foldy books presentation science. I don't know if it's excellent or not. We'll see.
UPDATE: AHAHA FTW I made it better.

This will always symbolize my failure

2010-04-20T02:53:00.000-07:00

dont wanna talk about it. fucking thing—sucks. i know how he feels. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJjNVVwRCY

MANY HOURS LATER: OK, I'm ready to talk about it now. I was TRYING to use an application that would make these foldy books more legible and turny-pagey (you know, 3D) and explicitly made this comic in an attempt to use it, yet I failed. I'll keep trying.

Whys ketchup ketchup

2010-04-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

Do they import bugs for monkeys in the zoo to pick off of each other?

Is that like how the CIA put more leaves in Ronald Reagan's pool for him to pick out when it was clean, because that was his favorite thing to do?

I heard that they did. Couldn't find anything about it on Snopes.

PICTURED ABOVE: Varg (Burzum) coming out of volcano as ash fog and initiating battle on the pope, who is being driven around by a satanic vatican elf.

God is so angry with the cavemen

2010-04-14T02:01:00.000-07:00

In ancient Greece there were some misguided cavemen who drank from God's magnificent pimp cup and fell ill because he sent his rage down upon them. One of them died as badly as Madame Bovary and the rest of them wept. An innocent bystander turtle on a Roman column became alarmed by their collective psychic t-bone steak and it became an apostle. The only thing that saved them all was my GRE scores.

CLIFF BAR NOTES: Madame Bovary is about a lady who loved romance novels and tried to live like one. She killed herself with poison, but it was way grosser than in the books made it seem. Foolish woman. Some other stuff may have happened, but I doubt it.

That time of the month

2010-04-13T02:33:00.000-07:00

My Aunt MRR is visiting and I'm editing these grimy columns and encountering the strange logic of one longterm wingnut writer who considers his lack of boundaries a personal triumph. He brags about intruding on other people's conversations, slapping his teacher's perfect ass when he was a youth, and putting himself in uncomfortable situations merely because he must know what lay on the forbidden side of the wall covered in poisonous spines. And he's definitely right about 60 years old. This month I find his lunacy endearing. Mostly because it's amazing to know what he is thinking when he asks the lady on the bus how big her boyfriend's dick is, because I know what she's thinking—MACE!SLAP!MACE!
And he states that Dominican people have the best asses in the world as though it's a fact that everyone knows. Where are the impartial studies the support this assertion? This guy is trippin'. Cold hard science points to Semetic cheeks every time.

Check the "Ugly Buggin Me" track here to know how I really feel. Pay careful attention to every single lyric.

Ariel's column, however, about being XX and learning to play guitar is inspiring and fabulous and right on the money. I hope I can remember to put a link here when the time comes.

Mysterious market research

2010-04-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

Why does the cereal company show me a picture of an ape in the jungle chewing on a banana leaf and ask me enigmatic questions about it? They want to plumb the depths of my subconscious mind They want the secret level jump directly to my brain. They want to knock on the doors that read "pleasure" and "fear" and when confused grandpa who was just napping in her house gown opens the door, they want to sucker punch her in the gut before she can say, "I don't want any." Because that's how you sell apple jacks, baby. BAM.

What I mean is, ape in the jungle is make me happy and barfing all together at same moment.

UNLEGIBLE:
In third frame at the bottom right- "Feel like you want to do something to make the world a better place?"
Whole forth box- "Is your love mostly complete? Is your love for the most part transcendent? Is your love empty and hollow? Is your love somewhat hanging on the cliff of failure at every moment?" PICK ONE.

Well isn't my butt red

2010-04-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

Today, at a zoo in South Carolina, a daddy baboon grabbed and threw its baby baboon right after it was born while 50 zoogoers watched. Nature isn't all cute fun and games, is it? Watch the baby baboon die, damn you.
http://www.thestate.com/2010/04/05/1230788/newborn-baboon-at-riverbanks-mauled.html

All the really important things that happened this weekend

2010-04-05T01:34:00.000-07:00

It was Matt Chandler's (aka Matt P) birthday so we talked about baseball and learned about this really awful story where a kid tried to catch a fly ball at a Padre's game and he really shouldn't have been doing that for some reason, so a bunch of people held him down while the Padre's chicken pecked at him with its dull plastic beak until he died. True story. No one believed me that there used to a be a horrifying Padres Monk instead of a chicken. They're hella stupid. Here is the Padres chicken suplexing the shit out of a professional baseball player.
Then I saw a beautiful scene in which there was a street lamp with a seagull sitting on each lamp. One was looking this way and the other one was looking that way. It was an example of true classic beauty. And the female reproductive system.
Then Brock asked me to make a hoodie for him with the following words on it in olde english font. It's inspired by the forbidden items he shouldn't have seen when he peeked in my drawer. Don't peek if you can't handle the reality, na wam sane?

And too many people at the at the goth club were trapped in this troubling condition. They look so serene even though a giant spider is probably just biding its time until it finishes them off. RIP goths.

Foreign customs or "French Hello"

2010-04-01T02:03:00.000-07:00

This is a diagram explaining the French custom of meeting a new person and saying hello in the proper way. The first upper left illustration is when two neuters are meeting and how they say hello with butt touch, lip touch, and butterfly kisses. Next to the right is two masculine meeting with unblinking aggressive eye contact and staring and tongues mingling. Next is two very patriotic neuter citizens meetings and greeting in the proud French way. Next at the bottom are two feminines with lap sitting and finger sucking and crotch mapping. Hello, how do you do?

I wish I could share here the birthday card that I made for Tina Crimescene Horns. It featured adult content manga fan art, erotic male pregnancy, and baby throwing (ala MJ). It was disgusting garbage so I had to do censorship here. But happy birthday for Tina none the less. We made a terrible scene at the ice cream parlor for her.

Complying with her charade

2010-03-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

This is the comic summarization of the short story by Shirley Jackson called "Like Mother Used to Make." I try to put it in eight boxes. It was hard and fun. There are some failures, such as the plot is not conveyed effectively. The plot is that a very tidy man invites a bag lady that lives in his building over for dinner. Her house is a shithole and she acts she was raised in a barn when she comes over. She gradually starts acting like she made dinner and it's her house over the course of the evening and eventually she thanks him for coming over and sends him away. Seemingly she does that to maintain an illusion she created so the landlord who stopped by won't think she's a scumbag because she lives in a shithole and doesn't make dinner. He goes across the hall in confusion to her house and acts like he lives there. There's a little bit more to it than that. It's a genuinely creepy and disturbing tale. It's on the internets here.

HELOISE HINT: If it's hard to see fine details and text, right click on image and save so that you can view the large size file more largely in your computer's image viewer and magnifier.

I just wanna make fun of this for a minute

2010-03-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

That's not how you make a swastika, stupid. Or any of those other things. Webster and 19th in Oakland. Can you imagine who this person is or what they must be thinking? What's the message here? It's just all over the place. SLAP.

Investigative journalism

2010-03-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

I walked by a TV last week that was playing an ad for a news program that was coming up and they were doing one of those "TOAST THE SECRET KILLER!!1!" type of stories. This time is was women's public bathrooms under the microscope. They noticed a terrifying trend and did the right thing by bringing it to the public's attention with some ominous music playing over it. But even though it seems like awful hyperbole, I know that we are truly in danger. Evil creatures lurk behind every stall. Probably not a sick pervert stalker, but more likely a beholder or maybe a displacer beast or maybe a terrible githyanki. I'm afraid the scan is of poor quality, because it was captured on a grainy security camera. If you are sensitive to powerful horrifying beasts, you shouldn't be looking at this.

Tinny projectile death

2010-03-22T23:22:00.001-07:00

After drawing a lot of folding chairs hurtling through the air in different configurations, I think this is the drawing that will become the flier for the Stress Ape/Strip Mall Seizures/Sister Fucker show in April. Before I added the color the chairs definitely looked more like walkers. Matt said that was scary and cool too, but I'm still going for folding chairs, cuz this concept is commemorating an unforgettable night where one person was throwing folding chairs at the wall at 21 Grand and didn't understand why they were reprimanded for doing so. It was awesome. It might happen again. I recommend going to this show. Details and a finished flier to come.

Comic summary of "The Intoxicated"

2010-03-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

I present a comic summary of "The Intoxicated" by Shirley Jackson. The whole damn book is online here at goog books. I think this story is about how kids say the damnedest things and the dooshy drunk older guy isn't smart enough to challenge the teenager about her world view. I don't know. I'm gonna search Shirley Jackson's blog and see if she says anything about it there. I didn't think it was very creepy at all. But my hands are so clammy today. Maybe I'm creeped out and I don't even realize it.

They're just like us

2010-03-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

Going through old pictures looking for the perfect face that says I'm a winner for my business card and I see this one from Brock's tour in Europe in 2008 and it tells me that we're all the same everywhere in the world. Even in such a sophisticated metropolis as Rotterdam, the basics remain the same. Hamburger, hamburger, cola, rectangle.

Monster Manual fan remix 2010 Volume Two

2010-03-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not a design person. I wish I was. I appreciate the visual eye that some people seem to have for layouts and that sort of thing. I'm not a fashion designer. I'm not a beautification expert. When it comes to the digitalization of foldy book, sometimes I'm at a loss. If I'm out of it enough, I completely forget how to do even the peasant technique that I developed myself. I wish I could do the thing where you hit the button to turn the page like in goog books. I bet I could look it up or something... but it may be throwing poop at pearls. Anyways, here I have experimented with a pretentious new layout for foldy book. It's pretentious because it looks like the Swedish flag. At least it may be cute for this particular book. Symmetry is the siren enemy that brings me down every time.

HARD TO READ TEXT

Front page: "The most ancient Black Puddings are vast pools of inky death"

Next page: "Cockatrice -- Steals copper from under your house and turns your ass back to the stoneage. Just trying to get paid. Nothing personal. Alignment -- Always Neutral. +$12 for copper +$3.65 for (bottles and) cans"

Next page: "Intellect Devourer -- Has been recognized for building roadblocks between communities and encouraging race riots and social strife. Alignment -- Always Chaotic Evil."

Next page: "Blink Dogs -- Prolific indie sweetheart band. Sounds like Joy Division on downers and uses the blink spell to travel between material and ethereal plane. Alignment -- Usually Lawful Good."

Next page: "Well, what a wild bunch! I get all excited and weak in the knees just thinking about facing them. The adrenaline makes my handwriting terrible. I'm sorry. More to come."

Monster Manual fan remix 2010 Volume One

2010-03-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

I just got hired by Wizards of the Coast to update the D&D Monster Manual (tee-emm baby) to keep it from getting stale. Just kidding, I'm just trying to work my way down the geek hierarchy by doing a fan job on it. Lord knows I'll never actually pull that off until I actually start playing D&D. On second thought, I think people that play D&D might think I'm a worse geek than them for only being interested in the monsters or for being a D&D poser and that's what the geek hierarchy is really about -- being perceived as a worse geek by those less geekier than yourself. Hmm... Smoke that, nerds.

Lets make sure we all retire together on a compound in Guadalajara or Eugene or whatever someday and just make sauerkraut and soak our dentures and prepare all week long for super serious competitive geriatric weekend D&D tournaments. That is my dream. Along with surfing on a giant pizza.

HARD TO READ TEXT IN FIRST PANEL: "In memory of Matt Monster who hath been slain in battle by wicked dwarves and ocelots / It did 80 points of fire damage on him. It was sad but cool"

ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF ERROR: I wrote "go to" twice in the SPECTRE panel. I ain't rescanning though. That's your funeral.

Coal powered ipod?

2010-03-13T02:51:00.000-08:00

Matt, why doesn't it look like an orc? I don't understand. Next time I'll try harder.

Las Vegas was like this

2010-03-08T23:31:00.001-08:00

This is what happened to all the meathead people at the animatronic fountain at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas every hour. They were punished for their insolence. And as for that last bit... I really actually think I heard that on NPR today. Seriously for reals.

Behold -- duh finished product

2010-03-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

I begifted these upon Helen of Doy for her birthday. It took 100,000,000 years but I did it. Amen.

update on the homo floresiensis (hobbitses)

2010-03-07T00:22:00.000-08:00

"In this photo taken Sept. 15, 2009, 80-year-old and 4-feet-tall Victor Jehabut, second from left, who is often claimed by tour guides as a descendant of Homo floresiensis, dwarf cave-dwellers that roamed Flores island 160,000 years ago, walks in his village in Rampasasa, Indonesia. An international team is trying to shed light on a fossilized 18,000-year-old skeleton of a dwarf cavewoman whose discovery on the remote Indonesian island of Flores in 2003 was an international sensation. Jehabut said the rumors of him being related to the hobbits are not true, and that childhood hardship had stunted his growth."

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jEgedVKrVUAaxRiWb3jwEA4jYBQwD9E9J6280

So basically, all we had to do is get to Indonesia and pay $55 or a negotiated fee to see a real living hobbit.

Of course this is a follow up to previous coverage of this topic: http://crudelydrawnpen15.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-heard-about-this-true-fact-on-radio.html

It's my birthday. I do what I want.

2010-03-04T00:49:00.000-08:00

Somewhere there is a witch

2010-03-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

Isn't that how the old saying goes? I can't find it anywhere on the internets. Can you find the witch? Those two in the lower left corner are sneaky crawling Japanese park voyeurism perverts searching for their target.

Sketchy Olympics

2010-03-01T14:39:00.000-08:00

This is a representation of the setting of my terrifying nightmare last night. I think it was inspired by the abandoned building next to the Steve List warehouse where our show was the other day. Why should there be any place so scary. No reason. It's just waiting for insanity inducing battles between ghouls and drugged crazed evildoers that don't believe in anything. Can't get a decent night sleep for the love of god. Only horror.

I don't understand

2010-02-28T00:14:00.000-08:00

why I look at the newspaper today and see a tiny blip about Obama extending the Patriot Act for another year. What the hell? Shouldn't there be an uproar? That's Bush's signature bullshit. Our honeymoon is over and no one cares. Look at the dumb blip. At least Alternet will always be there to tell me what I need to hear during these hard times: http://5z8.info/barely-legal_k6h8u_rickroll

for example, one of the comments on the Alternet clip, coherently elucidating upon the real truth:

"To all of the other "CRIMINAL CONGRESSMEN" who have commited TREASON against the AMERICAN PEOPLE, your time will come very soon. When that day comes, you WILL BE TRIED FOR TREASON AGAINST THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. When found GUILTY of TREASON, YOU WILL BE EXECUTED. THAT WILL BE THAT. THEN, YOU ALL WILL BE GONE FOREVER AND AMERICA AND THE WORLD WILL SMILE. IN PEACE."

I am aware that the comic is missing a word.

Mi corazon esta muriendo porque estoy sin ti

2010-02-26T16:34:00.000-08:00

I'm sick a dog today so I thought I'd bring it back to the old school. Back when things were simple and a man could be subject to international ridicule for dangling his baby out the window like so much grandma's panties. Unicorns, fatty dunks, and cherries are featured here also. My coworker tells me to draw things dunking when I don't know what to do with a drawing. That's why matador shitty mickey was slamming b-balls into sensually receptive hoops at work yesterday. That's the type of things I'm sometimes choosing not to share here -- merely to describe in a tantalizing way. He was also flanked by the world's strongest boy doing air pushups and shamu laying the whoop ass down on foolish mortals that dare to approach him as though he were their precious lap dog. What an abomination. I, of course, did the right thing and shredded it into millions of tiny pieces. The photograph below is Jason Forrest, herald of '70s softcore pornography, standing before the actual location in Berlin where MJ dangled his infant but a few short years ago. RIP MJ.

And this is Japan.

Just the facts

2010-02-23T13:36:00.000-08:00

If Polyclitus doesn't mean covered in clitorises -- then I just don't know anything.

Taking the farside concept down a notch

2010-02-21T02:53:00.000-08:00

This is what's funny tonight. Lowest common denominator, baby. BRING IT. All the satisfaction of watering a plant without of the consequences of actually doing so.